Self Doubt …

I have started a number of entries the last few weeks, then walked away from what I was typing. In the end, I felt that I was rehashing something from a previous entry (mainly from my old Blog of the same name).

 

In the intervening weeks from my last entry, I’ve been cited by The Wild hunt (that was as shock when I looked at my stats). I’ve seen the USA hit by two hurricanes (which actually started on of the posts I almost published, one on being prepared for when the smelly stuff hits the spinning blades that move air).

 

So on with a post.

 

One which is probably more important in this blog (nominally about Warriorship in the Pagan Sense).

 

Self-doubt.

 

Frank Herbert talks about fear being the mind killer. Self-Doubt is a cancerous death. One that can eat you up. You get over it, and then it can come back, and it makes you miserable in every way. You loathe yourself, but it is there, gnawing away at your bones.

 

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Now this is not going to be a blog about “how to get over it”. If I knew that, I’d not be blogging about it obscurely (tens of people have read posts here, not thousands) and esoterically (usually someone needs to know what I’m on about, to get what I’m on about, or call me on my shit).

 

What I will write about, is the battle.

 

First a story.

 

In the 1990s I watched someone I loved waste away, from a horrible disease. Without sharing this deeply personal story (which I am not going too). I saw courage. I saw someone accept death, look it in the eyes, and not blink. It taught me, that you can do this too. You can look at something that seems insummountable, look in its eyes, and not flinch. You will feel dread, and fear. I know my dear friend did. But you can make a stand. Shaking in your boots.

 

So I feel the battle in many ways is as important as the victory or the loss.

 

That is the true warriorship. Sod the fight. Its being willing to take a battle.

 

Now I am sure some of the people who read this over the years may think “what about all the covert battles? That is still a battle! You don’t have to meet something heard on. You can make a choice of how you fight.

 

Many people who know me. I’ve suffered from self-doubt. I was never the best in my class at Highschool (very nearly, but not quite), nor university (again, very close). When a round of redundancies hit… I’ve been cut three times. As a bastard (bon that way), only child, who was an atheist, than a Pagan, at a Christian single sex school. Who was to be blunt, fat. I know what it feels like to be not “the best”. It took me much of my adult life, to understand. It is the battle which matters. Also how you handle it.

 

I’ve made some major blunders, due to self doubt over the years. I tried being “aggressive” I tried being “passive” and “consolatory”. But in the end. Sometime in my mid 30’s. I understood:

 

  • Each battle is unique.
  • Make your stand. But don’t make it about the stand.
  • You are human. Forgive yourself.

 

Lets end with something esoteric 😉 Anyone guess why I posted this?